Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Life Continues


i wish i could live this


When you've been broken, broken to pieces.

And Your heart begins to faint

'cause you don't understand.

And when there is nothing to rake from the ashes.

And you can't even walk

onto the fields of praise.


But I bow down and kiss the Son.

Oh, and I bow down and kiss the Son.


Let the praise of the Lord be in my mouth.

Let the praise of the Lord be in my mouth.


Well, though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.

Well, though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.

Though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.

Though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.


When the rock falls, falls upon you.

And you get ground to dust

no music for your pain.

You open the windows, the windows of heaven.

And then You opened me and You crushed me like a rose.
©1994 7th Time Music
Words and Music by Kevin Prosch

C Thru

Hebrews 4:13 Nothing is hidden from God! He sees through everything, and we will have to tell him the truth.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Real Life

Today was a day. The highlights: (in red for a reason)

I went to sleep at 1:00 am last night.
I was called at 5:00 am this morning and asked if I could substitute teach.
I taught for the Biology teacher, who was the girls soccer coach.
The soccer team that had a scrimage last night.
The team who on the way home car pooled.
One of the teams cars were hit by a truck.
One of the girls died.
One's life is still on the edge.
The driver of course is doing the best.
I taught his classes.
In his room with pictures of the girls soccer team plastereed over the walls.
One girl that people could no longer talk to.
One girl who no longer smiled.
One girl who might live, but might not walk.
One soccer player who might not walk.
An one girl who will heal physically, but be haunted by guilt for the next 70 years or more.
All of whom were 16.

If you get a chance pray for Val and Lindsey and their friends. Pray for Amanda's family and friends, but not for her.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Making Bread .... not the Eating Kind.

Hear this, you who trample upon the needy,And would bring the poor of the land to an end,Saying, When will the new moon passThat we may sell grain,And the Sabbath that we may offer wheat for sale,Making the ephah small and the price great,And falsifying the scales;Buying the poor for silver,And the needy in exchange for a pair of sandals,And selling the refuse of the grain. - Amos

A society's economic system determines it culture, art, religion, philosophy, and so on. In consequence, almost all of the evils of capitalist civilization can be blamed upon the existence of the capitalist system. - Marx

Enough of that I have to go to work.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Friday, March 18, 2005

Sinful

The good things we do; our own righteousness is filthy rags to God.

So the goal of sin isn't to get us to do bad things.

We know that the things aren't so much the matter.

The goal of sin is to keep us from turning back to Christ.

To make us think or say, " He won't accept me this time", "I am too ashamed to come to Chrsit", "If I am this bad could there really be a Savior", "It isn't fair to Him for me to continually ask His forgiveness", or any other $#!t that keeps us seperated from God.

This midnight my thoughts seem to be enlightened.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Left Over

This is a left Over Poem from Christmas Eve.

When the Music Fades

Here is one right off the cuff
Just like the cuff of the shirt
That I have, that's tattered a bit
And overly worn.
So this too is entirely overly told and
Tattered a bit from the close knit
Stitch that would make it be
Perfect and precise and understandable.
Instead this is the state of an uncertain tone.

The girl I saw today
No a woman I suppose
Reacted so oddly. Now as ever I'm sold
On the thought that she plays
Far- far too many games. The thought that
Places her among the authoritative.
The professionals who play
With everyone who will engage;
The professionals who I do hate to join.

And this makes it in need
Of another real professional.
A seamstress that is,
If they do still exist.
Why the last time we met
I'm sure she disrobed
And if I hadn't probed
We might have met
With an untimely spawn,
From me and from her from both of us made
But for that type of stitching I didn't have thread.

Right now I know this
If only it's true.
A seamstress is more important
More necessary in a world of
Professional players than any
Profession, then any personified
Pissed off pubescent boy who
Has all the age qualifications of a man.
So keep your shirt on whether it's tattered or torn
Just as long as you have something
That you can say you have worn.


Today I used a 14 gauge beveled needle.
Heath Achatz 12.24.2004

The War

I found this beautiful picture depicting the war for lost souls.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Unbelievable

Ummm.... I read a whole book today. Here are excerpts from it.

"The Whipped Parent"

"society has stripped parents of their power"

"CRAP Children Rebelling Against Parents"

"change your reactions"

"emotion is a powerful thing"

"Children today grow up with a greater needfor instant gratification than any other generation"

"the only person you can rightly control is yourself"

"expectations are dangerous"

"you can control only yourself"

"think about a recent time you were disappointed or restentful? Did you have an expectation that was not met?

"expectations and hopes are different"

"stop predicting others futures"

"you can have hopes but you can't choose for others to met them"

"expectations should be possible"

"unrealistic expectations will be unmet"

"you must be aware of your emotions before you can decide how you want to respond to them."

"you'll probably continue to make mistakes"

"unless you come right out and tell me your thoughts i'll just be a mind reader. and mind reading is dangerous business."

"to change your actions you need to change your feelings"

"you cant change your feelings until you change your thoughts"

"thoughts can be changed"

"people change their behavior becasue they are uncomfortable with it"

"when you personalize things you assume you have something to do with the other persons behavior"

"take responsibility for your own actions; noone else made you do it."

"unconditional love means that you love a person even with the faults that they have"

"if a stranger asked the people you know "does (your name) love you? " what would they say?"

"individuals that take the road less traveled are risk takers"

"kids arent disposable"

"balance"



Sunday, March 13, 2005

A Bright Red Scream

Final Excerpts:

"we are healed of suffering only by experiencing it in the full."

"pain and blood were proof that i was alive and hurting."

"the symptom has a purpose as a form of communication."

"to bring them back to reality by looking aroundthe room, putting their feet on the floor, becoming aware of there body andhow they feel physically."

"everyhintg is not hte end of the world anymore."

"no matter how much physical pain she endured , it was a thousand times beetter than the emotional pain."

""it helps me to know that god doesnt want me to hurt myself, that god is in my body- that if i fuck up i can go on. the solution is not to punish myself; it is to pray, let go, make amends."

"i know that a life is possible where every sharp object you pass does not whisper seductively to you, where you want to get out of bed in the morning, where you can stop wearing long sleeves all summer and lying to people you love."

"seeing each scar was like a marking of what i went through at that time. i could point tot each one and rememebr what happened."

"i was told something very important last night - the truth will set you free."

More Excerpts

"A Bright Red Scream"

"we all use psycological defenses from ime to time to modulate anxiety."

"they cut themselves to feel alive and to end the experience of blankness, of not existing."

"in addition to being a life-sustaining and sanity-maintaining way of managing inner states,cutting is a primitive yet powerful form of communication for people unable to adequately verbalize their feelings. self-mutalation provides concrete expression for the pain they feel inside- a language written on the body, through blood, wounds, and scars."

"cutting redefines the body's boundaries, differentiating self from others."

"blood flowing from the wound proves there is life inside the body instead of nothingness."

"cutting serves as a literal representation of the disruption or hole in the child's inner world"

"bleeding became forthem real, tangiable evidence that - i do exist somewhere in this world."

'i remeber what it felt like to see the blood-it was beautiful."

"the blood told me i was alive"

"cutting is a way of marking the body's boundaries, or proving what is inside the body."

"how dare God love someone like me" - " but i know he does. and when i'm through arguing with him, he will let me crawl up in his lap and hold me."

"self-mutilation can be an effort to avoid a state of disorganization where you don't really know what reality is."

""the body is indeed the temple of the soul. cutters are living proof that whenthe body is ravaged, the soul cries out. and when the soul is trampled on, the body bleeds."

"the bodies must be constantly proven"

"self-cutting is never as satisfying as emotional catharsis and leads to a strong temptation to cut more frequently or to find other modes of bodily communication."

"underneath the mask of self-sufficency ; anorexics, cutters and bulimics suffer from an insatiable hunger for : food, love, contact with eachother, approval, and nuturance."

"from the day i started cutting it was obvious to me that if i couldnt speak somethign could speak for me"

"cutting proves that you are alive, that you have a soul, that you are not dead on the inside. in fact you are powerful."
*****************************************************************************
"americans spend billions of dollars every year sculpting their faces and bodies to conform to societies standards of beauty: breaking and reshaping noses, pumping their lips full of collegen, suckingaway fat, enlarging breasts, transplanting hair, lengthing penises, even injecting bacteria into the face that casues botulism to smooth out wrinkles. is it any more devient to cut burn or puncture the flesh to flout societies conventions than to emulate them?"
******************************************************************************
""when blood is drawn thats a sacrifice their making in blood and pain."

"body piercing, tattooing, and scarification hae become the modern day equivelents of initiation rites."

"in a culture that is ever more transient - where half of all marriages end in divorce, employment is no longer for life, and few people are born and die in the same community- a tattoo or scar can be grounding."

"just as self-mutalation is a way of preserving life and avoiding suicide, other forms of cutting can be a way of defying death- of both honoring and denying its power, of coming closer as one can to the brink without crossing over."

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Another Dream

This is the dream i had last night. Just a short version. (i think i had a blue shirt on)

I was in some kind of auditorium like ford field or the palace where the pistons play. there wee alot of people around

the administor from my highschool was there. She said i should take this wheat mix. It was a dry powder in a box.

she took a silver spoon and sut it into my mouth. it fet like large salt crystals but tasted like shredded wheat. I had a mouth full of it and people were trying to talk to me but i couldnt reply. i didnt know the people.

then my old higghschool administrator said "if you add water it will be like cream of wheat." So i went to a drinking fountain and got some water. It turned to cream of wheat in my mouth and i awoke.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Humorous Characters We Know

This is just something that i wrote discussing humorous characters in romantic plays. If you choose to read it, think about anyone you know who might be such a character.

Congreve writes that “humour is from nature …. humour shows us who we are …. humour is the life” (McMillian 476). Congreve and others credited Ben Johnson with the invention of the “humourous” character, but it can be observed throughout the history of play writing in plays such as: Lysistrata, The Pot of Gold, The Miser, Twelfth Night, The Feigned Courtesans, and The Way of The World.

As early as Aristophanes’ Lysistrata a humourous character can be found in Lysistrata, whose goal throughout the story is her life, she does not alter it or merely speak it. Her nature is to have her men home. She mentions that her plan “concerns a thing I have turned about and about this way and that of many sleepless nights” (Aristophanes 2). She shows how her goal consumes her. Having her men home promotes every action including: summoning all the women, planning the scheme, taking over the treasury, denying the men sex, and seeing her plan to completion. She ends by saying, “May husbands live happily with wife, and wife with husband”(Aristophanes 54). She proclaims the exact sentiment from beginning to end.
The Pot of Gold and The Miser both show a similar humourous character. This character is consumed by their obsession with money and thrift. Euclio in The Pot of Gold thinks of nothing but his money and his pot of gold. Euclio talks of how much he thinks about his pot of gold, he says, “my mind is there all the time” ( Plautus 18). Euclio’s every action spurs from his nature, which is to love money. But as the humourous character may be seen to be developing at this point, the constructed ending shows Euclio “falling out of humour”. At the constructed conclusion Euclio gives the money away aware of the trouble the money has caused him.

The Miser, written some 1300 years later, includes a miserly character who mirrors Euclio in every respect; this is Harpagon. Harpagon’s thrift consumes his whole being. His hidden fortune, the marrying off of his daughter, even his cleaning instructions to his servant tell of his thrift. He says, “ to you I assign the task of cleaning the entire house; above all take care not to rub the furniture too hard, or you’ll wear it out” ( Moliere 200). Harpagon keeps with his nature of being miserly throughout the entire play. At the conclusion, which is a wedding, he is continuing to be miserly by asking to pay no dowry, to not pay the wedding expenses, and for a new suit to be bought for him.

Shakespeare’s play Twelfth Night presents a character of different humour. This character’s life resolves around himself. His nature is to care about himself. This is Malvolio. Malvolio’s actions are fueled by his love for himself. He wants to marry Olivia for the prestige and wealth. Malvolio’s nature is ultimately set upon himself so that he cannot laugh at any folly that befalls him. At the end of the play he declares that he’ll “be revenged on the whole pack” of those that did him wrong. This keeps in standing with his nature as he has seen himself wronged and must avenge, because he cares only about himself.

The Feigned Courtesans contains two characters that are of a humourous nature. Galliard is a character whose life is based on adventure and enjoying women. He says, “my passion, like great victors, hates the lazy stay, but having vanquished, prepares for new conquests” ( Behn 96). He evidences these aims throughout the play. But it could be said that he falls out of humour at the end when he marries. Behn, however, tried to keep his marriage less than normal, and may be in keeping with his nature. Sir Signal Buffoon is certainly a more evolved humourous character. His nature is to be a buffoon; his name is Buffoon. Sir Signal Buffoon is repeated tricked by Petro and shows his nature of being a buffoon. His losses during the night scene also show his nature of being a buffoon. Finally at the end of the play, he is reconciled and keeps in good humour with his character by hoping to not be used any further, but not changing at all.
Congreve himself can be seen to be using the humourous character idea that he attributes to Ben Johnson. In The Way of the World, Congreve uses names to ascribe a humour to a character. Witwoud is a person who tried to use wit but doesn’t succeed. Lady Wishfort is a lady who is older and “wishes for it”. Congreve uses the names of characters as a way to divulge information about the character’s nature to the reader.

The humorous character has been in development throughout the play writing history. Congreve mentions that Ben Johnson invented this character, but perhaps it is better said that he polished an already existing convention. The nature of some characters comes from there humours adds to a plays “humor”, which is laughable, is a key to a comedic play.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

To supplement "A Bright Red Scream"

mewithoutyou

The cure for pain is in the pain, so it's there that you'll find me. Until again I forget, and again he reminds me, "Hear my voice in your head, and think of me kindly."
Let me be, let me be..
Lowered down like a casket and buried just below her chest. "Whatever I was searching for, it was never you," she says. The record ended long ago, we go on dancing nonetheless.
I opened like a locket, "If you're ever cold," I wrote, "there's warmth inside me. I'm the pocket of an old winter coat." But where she used to say "I need you." Now...."I don't."
You'd only make the softest sound, like sugar pouring into tea. Darling let your Self pour down and dissolve into the Love who revealed himself there quietly to me...
(Jesus have mercy on us.)

Midnight Shift Again

When I work the midnight shift I'll write free flowing thoughts. Whatever passes through my brain mostly.
Like i just laughed casue i looked at the clock again at 2:22.
Mainly what i am thinking now is how good the wanton soup i made monday is. I just warmed some up.

this is what I'll do. I will type somethigns from a book i am reading called "A Bright red scream".
from the book....

"i came to understand that rituals in whixch body tissue is altered or destroyed often serve the purpose of correcting or preventing conditions that thereaten the stability of a community."

"even jesus christ voluntarily allowed his body to be savaged in order to save humankind."

"now i'm trying to use my religion to get help, i get a lot of healing by going to the templebecasue it is probably the one place that i truly feel okay about myself."

"a portrait of jesus hanging in her living room, inscribed on the picture are the words ... i didnt promise it would be easy, i promised you it would be worth it."

"skin communicates. skin signals. skin tells a story."

"blood is the most symbolic of all body substances. blood, pumped through the body by a beating heart, is the essence of the life. The spilling oblood both gives life in birth and takes it away in death. bleeding has always signified healing...."

"it is like a secret code known only to those who speak its language, or those who take the time to listen carefully."

"even denial-to consciously know something but pretend it is not true- is not too great a distortion of reality if not taken to extremes."

"i'm back in my body and fully aware again, with a calmness and peace that makes me love the pain and find the blood beautiful. i am in control again."

"parents can directly alter a child's state of consciousness by respnding or failing to respond to their child's needs."

"cutting substitutes the pain inside with a physical pain that i can control, which is easier to handle. The pain is now real, tangible. it can be seen."

"self-mutilation provides concrete expression for he pain they feel inside- a language written on hte body, through blood, wounds, and scars."

"for most people, tears, not blood, are the language of the body."

"blood flowing from the wound proves there is life inside the body instead of nothingness."

"alcohol, drugs, sex, food, and self-mutilation are all used as mother substitutes to ward off the flooding of emotions and fill the gap in the soul."

"bleeding became for them real, tangible evidence that 'i do exist somewhere in the world."

"for a few moments it seemed as if the poison in my blood was leaving- calmly, submissively. i was in control. it felt like rain."

"it is concrete, irrefutable proof that one is alive."

"the blood told me i was alive, tha i could feel. i needed to see those bad feelings bleed away. also i couldnt cry, and bleeding was a different form of crying."

-thats how far i am so far. it is an intresting book.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

From 3rd Grade But Still Applies


I only stayed in

I was 3 days
So
Cold
I was
So
Cold
You can
Not kill the ice
I
Was
Stiff

Heath achatz
1987

lAST nIGHT

Last night i dreamed something, but i can only rememebr vague images. I remember i was at some type of school, it seemd to be an elementary school, but possibly it was the school i went to highschool at.

I was sitting outside of the office on a hard dark wood bench. The office had a lage window where a desk was inside, but not much couldbe seen becasue alot of papers were taped to the glass window.

I was on a bench and there were other people around, i onyl distinctly remember two of them. It was a father and daughter that i know. They were conversing nearby. The daughter laughed and swung her head back; her blond hair swayed. Her fatehr smiled and chuckled.

A little girl was drawing me pictures. I'm not sure who she was. She had brown hair. I knew that she was drawing pictures of me. I looked at them thinking "do i look like that?" The drawings were exceptionally good for her age she seemed to be about 6 or 7.

I didn't think that the pictures looked much like me. They were drawn in pencil on whhite ripped off peices of paper from an art paper pad. she said "but look at the eyes". I guess she noticed i didn't think they looked at me. I could still hear the daughter laughing in the back ground and the father chuckling.

I looked into the eyes and i could see that they definitally looked like my eyes. Oddly the eyes in the pictures were about the same size as the whole person she had drawn. But they were my eyes. I said that "those are mine eyes". I justed looked at them for a while. I can rememebr what the pictures looked like , there were two of them. I wonder if i could draw them.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

I'm no Expert


I'm no expert musician, but here is how I feel as music. It would be intresting to know if anyone has a guess or if the music means anything to them (or if they would even consider it music).




VALUE="http://www.geocities.com/hhachatz/Mixture.wma">











Mixture Music

Saturday, March 05, 2005

In My Head for about 15 minutes

I am working the midnight .

I will blog random thoughts.

I’ve been wishing the same thing at 2:22 for the past 7 years at least. It hasn’t happened yet.

Some of this may be lyrics.

War: I drove in a car and flew in a plane to come to your house and kick your door down. Now it’s come to this (this is war) it’s just you and me. I’ll blow your F$%#in head off – for my country.

I obviously don’t understand war.

People aren’t perfect.

You don’t realize what you’ll miss until you miss it.

A rallying war cry is being voiced by creation. By those that god has created. It is a war cry away from materialism. A war cry toward god.
A war cry away from even food of this world for spiritual food, for Christ’s spirit.

The spirit of the lord is moving among his people. God’s spirit is answering their prayers as creation has longed for this rallied army so the spirit of god is groaning with in men creating this call. Our tomorrow is his today.
The gates are opening the past and present are secondary to the future that is being realized with god.

The light of the world.

This culture of death where man relies on his understanding; Where woman relies on her understanding, is passing for a culture of united brothers and sisters who have turned over the thoughts of humans, who have turned over the ways of man and embraced the ways of God.

(I just turned on transatlanticism and it feels like my organs are in a blender inside me L )

The ways of god not the ways that man thinks. “We must stop trying to equip this generation with familiar weapons, but rather start by letting them use what is in their hand.”

I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer.
I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer.

When god decrees anything it comes to pass. He created the entire world with his word. His word will not return void. God spoke and it was . Jesus is the word. You do the math, tell everyone the answer.

It’s not that easy. All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the lord and all the families of the nations will bow before him, for dominion belongs to the lord and he rules over the nations.

WWJB?
Who would Jesus bomb?

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but the forces of darkness in this world, spiritual forces.

A vampire needs blood to live. What does this mean?

(Oh how I miss substituting the conclusion of a confrontation with a kiss. )

Royalty, royal priesthood, holy nation, royal heirs or should we say the people who trust god to shape the nations. To mold them to a form that he recognizes, a holy form.

And we don’t say everything that we should so we can say later – oh you misunderstood!

Self-discipline matters.

I feel subtle as a window pane in your view and wont wait for it to rain so you can see me (but I will wait).

(No hidden agenda: less fun or more real. Both? Let me count the ways I abhor you and you let me down every time, what can I say I adore you.)

From my ways to his grace
Discipline my hands
Reveal righteousness
Keep righteousness
Keep justice
Blessed are those who hunger and seek after righteousness
What god is doing will happen

People are ready for god
Gods spirit will be given in abundance
The pagans will know you
A meeting place with god will be established
And it will be known
God’s word does not return void.
In the end all will come to the lord or…

The time is 2:22

And I hope my wish comes true.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Know Thine Own Self


I didn’t know

There’s a hum above my head
A flickering in my sight
And a physical goddess in the light
As if light flickers as shed.

My right ear hears another hum
From the warm air
Forcing its way into where
Beauty breathes and I share.

These that I might profess
A false emotion or expressed desire
As I relate like she’s for hire
This continues as I regress.

As I regress intimately
Into the realm of memory.
And think of how instinctively
I’ve relates to this luxury
Of misinterpreting attraction,
passion,
lust,
greed ,
conquest
for love.

Now time and time again
Those who I have told
Those who were completely sold
On what I sold when
I told myself mistakenly.

So I didn’t know
And it doesn’t make it right
But reminds me to fight
And make sure my insides are accurate.

Heath achatz 11.22.2004

I did

Running around with
Many you’ll be content
And later you can repent
If you believe that myth.

Heath achatz 11.22.2004